I Never Let You Go
by Sable Supernova
Summary: Lily hasn't seen James in five years, not since he broke her heart. All she has to do is get through pleasantries, take the photographs Marlene wants her to take and she can consider it a success. But what if someone else has other ideas? Song!fic. AU. Oneshot.


Written for:  
Chocolate Frog Cards Challenge: Heathcoate Barbary - Write a songfic. Inspired by _When We Were Young_ by Adele.  
200 Characters in 200 Days: James Potter  
 **AN: No War!AU. So, this is my view of James and Lily if the war had never happened. Instead of rushing into marriage and a baby, their relationship didn't work out. It's now five years after they broke up, and they've not seen each other in all of that time, until tonight.**  
2426 words.

* * *

 **I Never Let You Go**

 _It was just like a movie,_

 _It was just like a song._

 _My God, this reminds me,_

 _Of when we were young._

\- When We Were Young, _Adele._

He's stood by the bar, of course, beer in hand, surrounded by his friends. It's exactly where I'd expect to find him, which just stands to prove to me that he's never changed, not in all the time that's gone by. He's telling some story, no doubt something from work. I can see Sirius adding bits here and there. The crowd are enthralled. Captivated. He always did have a presence. Something inside me pangs painfully.

No. I don't want to go back there. Not after everything… Only my diary knows I still miss him. I turn away, looking down at my camera's screen. I know, of course, that Marlene has been married for five years now. That's what this whole party's about. It still feels strange. I still feel too young to have friends celebrating anniversaries. I suppose that's partly because I've never felt the way they do. I've never known love like that, not yet. Only a string of short-term boyfriends who brought little more than disappointment and left behind a girl more content than before in her own company. My mother was adamant none of them were good enough for me anyway.

Although, she did like James.

I shake the thought off and focus on the photographs I've taken. There are some really beautiful ones. I'm nowhere near done, though. Marlene tasked me with capturing every single person she's invited, both posed and candidly. I'm doing my best to get them over and done with before I drink too much wine. I wish she'd told me she'd invited him, though. I sigh, check the time, and scan the crowd for my next model.

That's when I notice he's looking at me. My eyes catch his across the room, and he's smiling a little. The attention is on Sirius, now, so he gets this moment's reprise. I try to smile back, and hope it looks genuine. I take a glass of wine from a passing waiter and take a sip before walking over, camera in hand, ready to get this part of the job over with.

"Hey," I say, rather shyly for a Gryffindor. Sirius has surreptitiously slipped off somewhere with Remus, leaving us here alone, for which I was grateful. We didn't need an audience.

"Hey," he replies with a small smile, a smile my memory knows well. "How are you?"

"I'm… good," I reply, pausing only as I consider being honest for a moment before dismissing the idea. It's best to keep these things casual and polite. It'll hurt less tomorrow. "How are you?"

"Tired. Work's been mad." We laugh a little, a fake sort of laugh, the kind of laugh people give when the thing said isn't actually funny, they just want to be polite, as if those involved have something in common.

Now that I can see him up close, I can see what the years have done to him. His face is more weathered, somehow; less rounded with youth than it had been when I saw him last. There are spiderweb lines at the ends of his eyelids, as if they've gotten used to creasing up when he smiles so much they've stayed there. He's filled out a little, too. I always told him he was too skinny. I wonder if he meant to take my advice, or if it just sort of happened along the way.

"Did you come here with anyone, or…?" His question trails off, as if he's not quite sure how to ask it. It seems a strange question for ex-lovers to me at first, as if there's some sort of ulterior motive behind it, but then I consider there aren't many small-talk topics that we can effectively use with each other. We're strangers who know each other too well.

"No, no. I just came with my camera. Marlene asked me to capture every guest. She promised free wine so I couldn't really say no," I reply, making a joke out of my loneliness as the lonely often do. If you pretend it's not a big deal, other people might believe it. "You?"

"I came with Sirius," he replies, a hint of his old mischief shining in his hazel eyes as he gestures over his left shoulder. I hadn't even notice Sirius return, my head had been so full of James, but there he was standing a little behind his best friend, a warm grin lighting his face.

"We're together now," Sirius adds, attempting to keep his face straight but too drunk already to hold it. I burst out laughing, knowing the jokes we used to make, way back then. An actual, genuine laugh. I'm hit by a wave of sadness almost immediately as I realise just how long it's been since I last laughed like that. It only took this pair a few seconds to bring that version of me back to the surface. I try to embrace it, but I know it won't last forever.

"Don't let Lauren hear you say that," James replies to Sirius, naming Sirius's long term girlfriend. They'd become a pair back when James and I were still together, when no one thought Sirius would have a girlfriend who lasted.

"How is she?" I ask, knowing how well I used to get on with her; knowing that when I lost James, I lost all of them, too. I smile.

"She's good, yeah. We're having a baby," Sirius tells me with a smile, his eyes full of nothing but love. I try not to wear my shock on my face. It seems time has changed Sirius more than I thought possible. It makes me wonder how James has changed, and I find my attention drawn back to him for a moment before I remember where we were.

"Wow, congratulations," I say, suitably impressed, smiling. Happy for them.

"I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm pretty sure that at some point in the last five years, the real Sirius got switched for this imposter, because somehow he's turned into a semi-capable adult," James explains with a grin, looking at Sirius and not me. My stomach does a small flip at the way he so casually mentioned 'five years'. It seems like nothing, really, but it means he's aware of the time that has passed since we were together. It means he has, at some point, thought about me. About when we were young, and in love.

I laugh at his joke, again, and feel a sense of carelessness I haven't known since before things started to go wrong. He seems to feel it too, at least, there's no worry in his eyes. If there were, I'd recognise it a mile off. I know what worry looks like on James Potter.

Worry is why we didn't work. We didn't know it at the time; it didn't make sense, but I see it now. We'd just hit our twenties, and we were no longer carefree young lovers. We were adults with a house and real jobs and housework. We had to care about things. We didn't know how. It felt like time was running away from us. Like soon there'd be none left. Knowing how long the last five years have felt, without him, I'm not scared of that anymore.

I shake the thoughts of the past away like I'm trying to shed my old skin. I hold up my camera. "Do you mind if I take a couple photos of the two of you?" I ask, distancing myself, distracting myself. Safe behind my defence of the lens.

"Sure."

I take my pictures and leave, downing another glass of wine or two as I mingle some more. I try not to let my eyes draw back to you over and over, but they seem to have a mind of their own. The next hour or so has a breathless sort of quality to it; a strange sort of glow around the edges of things like there's a sheet of plastic between me and the rest of the world.

I see Marlene, briefly, as she's doing the rounds of her guests. She asks me about the photographs just after I've taken the last one. It makes me feel a little proud to be able to say that. I ask her why she didn't warn me James would be here. She looks at me, rather pointedly, as she asks why it should matter, it was years ago. I let it slide.

Sighing, I decide it's time to step outside for some fresh air. Of course, the only place where I can step outside is with the smokers, but still, the cold breeze will do me good. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes for a moment, only then noticing my pulse is still pounding much faster than it normally would. Anyone would think I'd seen my most hated enemy tonight, someone I was afraid of. Not an old ex.

"Hey," a voice calls from over my shoulder, a soft, deep voice full of laughter and pride. A voice I'd know anywhere.

I turn my smile on before I turn around to see him, taking in his familiar face, framed with glasses, and feel a pang in my chest, a tightening of the walls around my heart. "Hey, again," I reply.

"Are you okay? You've seemed really on edge all night," he asks, dropping the pleasantries from earlier and the polite smile in favour of sincerity.

I look away. I can't get away with a dismissive half-answer if I'm looking him in the eye. It won't sound honest. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't know you were going to be here, so I just didn't expect to see you." My voice is quiet, quick, as if I want him to be able to pretend him didn't hear it, if he wants to.

"Oh. Right. Sorry," he says, awkward as he, too, looks away. We're both looking away from each other, now, even as we stand facing each other, though we're looking away in the same direction.

"I thought you'd moved away?" I ask, before realising that's a bad thing to mention, too. It was what he told me he was going to do last time I saw him. When he said I was holding him down, keeping him back, and he had a life to lead that wasn't here.

"Yeah, I was going to, it just never really got off the ground. It was a bit of a fantasy, I guess, rather than a solid plan. Back then, I don't think I actually had a clue what I really wanted." He looks me in the eye, this time, and that's how I can tell he's telling the truth. I mean, I could have told him that at the time if he'd have listened, but at least he sees it now.

"And you know what you want now?" I don't know what compels me to ask that question, but I can't take it back now. There's something in my voice, I think, that sounds like a challenge.

"I've got a better idea, yeah," he says with a smile, as if he knows the question was a little out of bounds for me to ask, but that he didn't mind all that much.

I smile back, knowing he's not answered the question but letting it go. "Well, you seem happy anyway. I'm glad. You should be happy." Somehow, even just telling him that little untruth hurts me, somewhere inside, like my heart's breaking a little all over again, only this time I've only got myself to blame.

He looks away, biting his lip and narrowing his eyes as if he's making a decision, before looking back. "Can I be bold?" he asks, and I just narrow my own eyes in confusion. I don't answer, but I don't think he's really waiting for my approval. He'll say what he's going to say anyway. "It's not the happiest I've ever been. I don't think anyone really ever knows what they've got until they've lost it." There's a silence as I take in what he's just said without letting anything close to hope float too close to the surface. I try to find the right words to say, to shut him down, because I'm not sure I want to know anymore. I've done so well until now not to cry or shout or drink too much tonight. Does he know what he's doing to me? I can't risk hope, not after all this time. I won't let him break me again. "Do you still care about me?"

His question interrupts my reverie, takes me completely out of the blue. It's such a strange question to be asked, I'm in too much shock to think through my answer, and tell him the truth before I know what I'm doing. "I still care. Do you still care?"

"Yes."

There's a silence again, but this time we're both staring at each other in shock, no longer mere strangers who know each other too well. We're old lovers who've forgotten what the other really looks like, now, and it's like we're learning it all over again. Like we've been given a second first chance. I don't know what to say.

"I know it's not my place to be saying any of this when I'm the one who walked out, so if you want me to stop just tell me and I'll walk away again like nothing ever happened. But I need you. I always needed you and I've not stopped missing you since I shut the door. I made a mistake and I know that doesn't excuse it because it was one hell of a big mistake, but it's one I'll always regret, no matter what you say next." I watch him speak, barely able to take his words in. My eyes dampen as I watch tears form in his. "I don't mean to just dump all this on your door, honestly. This isn't why I came here tonight. But I want you back, Lils. I love you."

I don't know what to say, but I suddenly realise how close we've got to each other while he was speaking, like there's some kind of magnet drawing us together. I swallow hard, and unable to find the right words, decide that I don't need my voice at all. Silently, slowly, I bring my arms up to his waist and step closer. He unconsciously brings his arms up around me, too, and I step forward into his embrace. It feels like home.


End file.
